Lil' Bro

This post is a shout out to my "lil' bro" Kerry.

My "lil' bro" is 35. We are 9 years apart, almost exactly. He's always been my favorite sibling (sorry to the others).  And he's the reason I desperately wanted my first child to be a boy, so all my younger kids would have a big brother too.

A little overview: He's single, never married, no kids. (That's how people typically describe him first off, not sure why that has to set the stage for some reason) He's a member of the United States Coast Guard and has made us all extremely proud for his service to our country. Currently he lives in Maine. He's pretty easy going. He's a "vegan" (I use quotes because he puts a bit of a twist on the idea). He's philosophical and obsessed with trying to figure people out and dig deep to the core of who people are. He still says he's working at figuring me out, I guess I'm a complex character.  :) He loves to read just about everything. He's always learning something new. He's extremely obsessed with music, since as far back as I can remember.

He taught me to read. I had a rough start in the educational department and I was in a couple Special Ed groups. It was about the 2nd grade (more like 3rd) that he sat me down and started teaching me how to read. My parent's had purchased Hooked on Phonics but it had just started collecting dust. One day, he literally sat me down in our big living room chair and put the extra table leaf over my lap (probably to prevent me from making a mad dash out the door) and had me start from the beginning of the yellow level 1 book and read every word out loud. If I messed up he'd have me start over. This went on for days. Every day after school. It was pure torture! I slightly hated him for it, at the time. By the end, that book was torn and beaten up. I remember throwing the biggest fits and chucking that book as far as I could. He'd sit next to me and would never budge. UGH. I still remember the moment I finished that ridiculous book. Possibly one of the greatest educational moments of my life. I felt so proud of myself. Most of all, I could see he was proud of me. I have loved to read ever since. My reading time has decreased immensely since having kids but he will call and recommend books all the time. We talk about my favorites, Shakespeare & Jane Austen.

There's that darn yellow book.

He has given me a deep love for music (ALL different kinds). When I was really young, he would talk to me about how I could be a member of his band that he and my other brother were going to have. I had really long hair as a kid and he taught me to head-bang. I learned to play the violin and he would tell me I could play my violin in the band too. Once he convinced me, or maybe it was more me, to memorize the lyrics to a Sir Mix-a-lot song. I think I will remember those lyrics until the day I die. He created a monster when he introduced me to the band, Depeche Mode. I've LOVED them ever since.

I write all of this to give you just a little glimps into the person he is and to give you an intro to my story.

Kerry came to Boise to visit all of us for Christmas and the New Year. He's just what I needed. Poor Kerry is surrounded by bipolar women. Whether some of them admit it, deny it or try desperately to fight against it, it's there, and thick. After having a baby, I struggle the most with the thoughts that rush through my head and the anxiety and tension that floods through my body. On one particular day, after bringing newborn Tatum home from the hospital, 2 crazy kids attempting to kill each other, a husband at work and my mother-in-law having just headed back home to TN . . . I broke down. I went in my room, closed the door and just sobbed. The amazing part, my brother had come over to visit for the day (he was hopping from different family member's houses). I was so mad that I was loosing it in front of him. My mind was racing with unhealthy thoughts and I felt as though I would drowned in those thoughts. Depression is hard to explain but I know it too well. I knew where I was headed. He came in and asked me how I was doing. In between the sobs I explained (more like ranted) about how everything in my life was a mess, how I was worthless and so on. He went about getting the kids distracted with movies or something (I was totally out of it). Once he was done, he came in and sat with me and just talked with me and listened. He talked about anything. He would talk about the thoughts I was having in my head when I wanted to and he would talk about random everyday things when I was too exhausted to say anymore. He talked with me until I drifted off to sleep. That's really all I needed. I couldn't see it during all the rushing thoughts and overwhelming chaos that was being thrown at me, but it was really just that simple. I just needed some time and some good sleep.

I've heard many times that some research was once done on people who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge in an attempt to commit suicide but survived. I guess, from what I've heard of the story, the people who jumped were later interviewed and asked what thought did they have after letting go and jumping from the bridge. It's said that in that instant, they realized all their problems could be solved. When I get to those times in life, where nothing seems salvageable. I try to remember this, whether this story is true or not. I try to remind myself that all that seems to be falling apart, can be fixed in some way. I try to remind myself that it really is that simple.

My brother saved me that night. Probably not from death, but I know he saved me from making mistakes that I would regret and in turn, hurt the people I love. He helped me keep my promise to myself, to fight against my struggles, and to be someone my children can look up to.

I love my brother so much. I want to thank him for taking the time to do something so simple as to sit and talk and listen. It made a huge impact on how I am doing right this moment. Depression is a slippery slope. If you give in for a moment, that moment tends to haunt you for a long period of time, in an attempt to bring you right back down to where you were and then farther. Kerry helped stop that moment from happening.

Thank you for being the best "little" brother a sister could ask for.
Love,
Your big sis.