This is me . . .

I often feel like people don't seem to know the real me. I hate it. I try to live my life as an open book. There are many things in my life that have been and are dark. On good days I can talk about it all. On lonely and quiet days, it can be a struggle to even formulate the words in my mind. Lately, my brain has been begging to be heard. Here is my attempt at that.
I am 27. I am happily married to my very best friend. I have 3 children that I spend all my time with. Their names are Anderson, Emmett and Tatum. I also have 2 babies that didn't make it to their due dates. Their names are Genevieve and Temperance. I hope to learn more about them at a different time in my existance.
My topic for today is Schizoaffective disorder. I have it. I sort of have a love hate relationship with it. We are continually getting accustomed to each other. Schizoaffective is a combination of Bipolar Disorder and Schizophrenia. Paranoid delusions, Anxiety, depression, mood swings, etc.
When I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, after some time, it felt do-able. It didn't seem so bad to tell people about it. Some people were even surprised because of the stigma that tends to go along with Bipolar. Once Schizo-affective disorder was put out there it was a big hit to me. No one will ever think anything other than schizophrenia. I'll be a crazy nut case. I want to make it clear to people that Schizophrenia and all the different versions of it are not a death sentence. I'm not destined to be locked up in a padded room in a straight jacket. At times my issues scare me. At times, it takes all I have in me to tell myself over and over that I am real and that all my loved ones care for me and that the monsters in my head can't hurt me. It's a daily battle but I'm willing to fight it every day because I have a life worth fighting for. I have beautiful children and an amazing husband who sit by my side as I struggle with the demons my mind creates. I wish there were more people in the world I could talk to about these things but not a lot of people seem willing or able to listen. It can be scary and confusing. I wonder if one day I'll wake up and be normal and never have to deal with these issues again. I doubt that will happen, it's really all I've ever known. For years I was in denial or mostly confusion. There was a time I thought the strange thoughts in my head were normal and that they were something everyone dealt with but just never mentioned.
I worry about what people think, with me having children. My children give me stability and strength. They help keep me grounded in the here and now and the important things in life. They give me something to work toward and to look forward to every day. There are many people who deal with schizoaffective and/or schizophrenia that can't handle the added stress of maintaining a family. I'm grateful that this is the one thing that I can handle. I'm no where near being a perfect mother but the idea of striving to be better helps pull me along, at times.
I've seen firsthand what mental illness can do to relationships. It's scary. I'm aware of the struggle life can be with trying to live my life with someone else. I know it's worth it. There have been many dark nights that I've made it through because of the man that I chose to be my husband. He's sat with me and held me as my world has been filled with confusion and sorrow. I have such a good life because of his strength when times are hard.
For me, being a member of the LDS church is something that has blessed my life beyond ways that I even know. There have been many times I've considered the worst options, but my knowledge of this life and the next are what give me strength in knowing that that's not the answer. I know I can do hard things. I know that I am not alone. I know that my life has a purpose. The biggest difference I see between my life and others is that I have to remind myself continually (or so it seems) that I am worth all the hard work.