So, I'm pretty sure no one reads my blog anymore since it's so depressing. But it's therapeutic to write so here I go.

A little over a month ago I was talking to my mom about what I wanted for Christmas. I said that all I wanted was for my ultrasound to show I was having a girl. Well, that's not going to happen this year. I actually really hate the holidays lately because of all that we've been through. I've been getting better with the whole mourning process but today it hit hard. Harder than I thought it would. I have a new Christmas wish, but it won't come true either, I want to feel my baby kick. It's so painful to know it's all over. People keep saying not to worry, that we'll get pregnant again. But I won't be able to carry my baby again. We might be blessed with another child but not the baby we lost. Christmas sucks and I just want the holidays to be over with. Maybe I can live vicariously through the excitement of the boys as they rip open their presents tomorrow. Maybe.

We have been visiting with my therapist a couple times a week this past month and it's really helped. We are having a memorial for the baby on Monday. Just the 4 of us, being together and remembering and celebrating our baby. In counseling my "homework" for this week is to find quotes/poems to inspire me and guide me through each day. I repeat to myself a lot, "i/we can do hard things". It helps. I found this beautiful poem and want to do something special with it but can't decide what:


I believe that time heals all wounds. It's making your way through all that time, that's the hard part. I wish I could fast forward a year or maybe 2 and be able to look back. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel and I just want to be immersed in that light.

I found this too and it "spoke" to me:

The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.
The little one we longed for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.
And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
Every beating of our hearts
Says that we love you.