Torn. . .

After about 24 hours of being here at the hospital, the nurses and doctor's, along with family and friends, have said over and over that I need to sleep, eat and most of all take breaks and get out of the hospital room(s). For the past week I have struggled with the idea of leaving my boys. "What if" keeps running through my mind. I've been able to make it to the cafeteria and then back to the room as soon as I finish my food. I had to leave the hospital for the first time 2 days ago because I had an ultrasound to see how the baby is doing. It was nerve wracking to leave them. But it was also sooo refreshing to see our baby and her cute profile and to see how well she is progressing.

Last night, Joe kept pestering me to get out of the hospital for something other than going to see another doctor for the baby. He wanted to go and see a movie. I was absolutely against it. No way was i going to a movie when my kids were hooked to machines at the hospital. I spoke to my brother-in-law and he talked to me about how I should go and how it would be good to just get away for a bit and spend time with Joe. With GREAT hesitation, I agreed. After meeting with the kidney specialists yesterday he said that Emmett was still going to get a lot worse before he would be getting better. I thought I should take this opportunity while the boys were stable and all was calm. We went to see Abduction, good movie. I dozed off a few times but it was nice not to wake up to the hospital machines going off. The doctor's and nurses and family were excited and glad that I let myself get away. I still feel horrible. I know there are people out there in the world who will think I am the epitome of a horrible and worthless mother for leaving to go to a movie at such a time. So many people will think, "I would NEVER leave my kids like that!" The doctor explained it as the airplane oxygen mask idea. That when flying with children you must put the mask on yourself before assisting the child or you risk losing the ability to help them out. They said last night was my way of giving myself oxygen in this moment of an emergency. So, as I torture myself still for going to a movie, please try and see it as something we all needed.