3.) I've been thinking a lot about baby #3. Most of you probably think I'm crazy, Emmett's only 5 months (in 3 days). But I want our children to be close in age and we know we want more so just because they aren't here with me right now, might as well plan for when they will be here with us.
I think back on Anderson's birth and I remember being so scared. I remember how I couldn't breathe until I heard his first cry. I remember what seemed like forever passing by as I strained to hear him. In those first few moments of his life, I was on edge. I just wanted to hear him, to know he was breathing. At that moment, I learned what it meant to love someone more than I ever thought was possible. For those first moments when I couldn't hear him, I remember praying to the Lord and telling him he could take me instead. I never knew a love so powerful could exist so quickly.
After having Anderson, I felt so defeated. I had planned my life around having children. Since I was a little girl, when i was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up I always replied, "A mommy". Nothing was ever gonna stand in my way. But i never knew that I wouldn't have it all as planned. It may seem silly to most who read this but I had it all planned out. I'd be 9 months pregnant, wake up in the middle of the night, contractions strong, I'd turn to my husband and say, "it's time to go!" We'd rush to the hospital and after hours of pain and emotions, sweat and tears I would deliver my healthy baby and hold it in my arms and at that moment all would be perfect. Total Father of the Bride 2!
Well, not so much, Anderson came at 36 weeks by c-section. I laid down on a hospital bed, I was wheeled into the OR and they cut my baby out of me and took him away to the NICU. I met him several hours later. (my description is my way of explaining to you reading this just how cold and hollow it felt to me). Many miracles happened that day & in the end, no matter what I was warned about or what I've been told by developmental therapists, I have a perfect little boy.
It was hard to deal with the shock of Anderson's birth. I cried over and over as if I had done something wrong. I had people tell me stupid things like how I was lucky I didn't have to labor. How I didn't know what it was like to be in labor and be put through that pain. How real woman are those who have suffered through hours of labor and delivery. Well, those words and more stuck with me as I approached the birth of my little Emmett. Again due to circumstances and decisions that had to be made, this time at 39 weeks, I laid down in the OR and had my baby surgically delivered and he was sent off to the NICU. I remember being more calm this time around but so much more was the same. I remember straining to hear his little cry and crying myself as I saw and heard him for the first time. Again at that moment, I was willing to give my life to protect him. Without a second thought. At that moment, he was mine and he would be mine always.
As I think about baby #3. I have been trying to deal with the fact that I will not have the perfectly planned out deliveries that I had planned for so long ago. But no matter what, I know that no one can take away the months that I have carried my children and the hours/weeks/months of recovery that have gone into healing from their births. But above all, no one can tell me that my love for them from the moment of their arrival has been any different than those who labored for hours and delivered as planned. In the end, what matters is the love, sacrifice and devotion waiting for them in the embrace of their mother's arms.
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