On my mind

There have been 3 topics that have been on my mind a lot lately. 1.) Divorce. 2.) A bucket list. 3.) The birth of my children.

1.) It's no surprise that I come from a divorced family. As a young child growing up I had to process things that didn't even occur in the minds of many other children around me. Why mommy & daddy don't like each other anymore. Why mommy or daddy would want to marry someone else. Why could they not just talk it over and work it out. Why couldn't they just say sorry and it all be okay. Now that I'm married and I see what this marriage thing is all about my questions of so many years are slowly being answered.

In the 4 years & 10 month that Joe and I have been married we've watched the marriages of friends and family come and stay and come and go. Recently something clicked. I put myself in a friends shoes and it scared me. How does life go on? Joe is my everything. How could I stand before him and not be married to him, not be his? I just can't fully grasp the idea of what must go through ones mind after a divorce. You've been with this person, you've loved them, shared details that only they know and if there are children, you've created life with them. How powerful! And yet you are no longer together. You've moved on, grown apart. You've gone from knowing everything to just knowing what was. I'm struggling to put into words what I'm feeling, but my heart breaks. I can't imagine standing before Joe and him not being mine. How do you find the strength to not fall to your knees and confess your love for them all over. I guess part of me doesn't understand how you get to the divorce. I saw my parents in it but i never saw the before. So how do you let it get there. I want to know so i never let it happen. Because of my parent's divorce I've always feared the same would come of my marriage. I see how we are now, how we love and care for each other and i guess I can see how it would be if we weren't together but what's the middle? What happens?
When I think about "what if" I still picture Joe and I laughing, joking and having fun together. Making memories with the kids. Telling each other about our day, our hopes and dreams for the future. Where does that stop and the anger pick up. I guess I'm not sure what I'm asking to have answered. I just don't want to look back years from now and say, "I wish I knew that when."