It's a . . .

GUUUUUURRRRL

(as Anderson says it)

We are still trying to get use to the idea. A girl? What are we suppose to do with a girl? We are still in awe.

19 weeks 1 day. My color choices for the party: Pink & Blue!

We had the ultrasound Thursday (7/21) afternoon and we went straight to my sisters house who was watching the boys. I had 2 envelopes that I had the nurse write the gender on inside. I gave one to my sister so in case we didn't get to Utah in time to order the cake she'd be our backup option. My sister, Tyanna, said she had been practicing her poker face. She sure did! She opened the envelope and totally held it together. Joe was convinced from that point on that it was a boy, he didn't think anyone would be able to not jump up and down and let the secret out if it was a girl. A boy would be easy to hide the excitement, since we already have 2. Well, she started saying stuff like, "Now, Ashlee, I don't want you to get your hopes up. You should be happy for whatever it is." I proceeded to tell her that if it was a girl that would be awesome but another boy would be wonderful too. We already have 2, what's one more. If it was a boy I'd only have to buy a car seat and be done with the baby shopping. Easy! We walked out of my sister's house and Joe looked at me and said, "Yup, it's a boy, there's no way she could be so calm if it was a girl." He was totally convinced! You should have seen his face 3 days later!!!!!

So many people were shocked that we didn't peek in the envelope in my purse. Not once! When you're pregnant with your first child there's such a huge excitement about what the baby is. With your second, your sitting in the ultrasound room with dimly lit lights and all that excitement is over and done within moments when they tell you, it's a . . .  So, we thought hey, lets spice it up a bit. What a great excuse to have a party! I TOTALLY RECOMMEND IT!!! We had such a blast talking about it and making guesses, in the days leading up to the party. It was so much fun! What a great way to find out the gender with all your family and friends with you!

I cut into the cake and when I pulled the knife out to cut the other side of the piece, my heart almost stopped. I wasn't expecting to see a color yet, I guess I didn't think that far ahead. I looked down at the knife and saw pink. Huh? I almost had to ask myself what that meant. I was in so much shock I don't remember if I even finished cutting the rest of the piece, I think my mom took over cutting the cake from there. I turned to Joe and hugged him. He was in shock! HE HAD BEEN WRONG!!!! (As a loving wife, I just want to make record of that fact.) His eyes were big and he just had this stare and then this huge grin. Joe's not one to show a lot of emotion so that was A LOT for him. HEHEHEHE.

A week later and we still look at each other and say . . . "A girl? Really?" I've been referring to the baby as a she when she kicks and he keeps looking at me with this face and says, "A girl, huh?" It's so fun!

We have a daughter!

Anderson seemed a little confused, like, "Duh, I told you it was a girl, what's the big deal?" Silly parents! Now I'm thinking they need to double check for twins since he was so sure it was 2 babies in my tummy in the beginning. :)

Well, what do you do, when you've had 2 boys and you find out you're having a girl? GO SHOPPING!!!!! We went out the very next day! I have a feeling Joseph's going to spend more money on this girl then I am. Just a guess! 

I think there's a difference between shopping for a girl when it's your first and shopping for a girl after 2 boys. There's more excitement and a sense of, I'm gonna enjoy this to the FULLEST!! I've had people tell me, oh, well, 2 boys, you're sure to have all boys. Oh, okay!
I'm good with having to keep track of one girl and the rest can be boys! I don't think I'm cut out to have more than one girl. I'm hoping to keep a DRAMA FREE zone. My other girls are waiting for me on the other side. Having me as the mom is enough drama for this family.

Speaking of drama, the first day of shopping was emotional. A few bouts of teary eyes. I was in the Carter's store and I saw this cute outfit that read, Mommy's dream come true. Well, that did it for me. Whew! After losing my 2 babies that I felt so strongly were girls and to find out that this precious spirit is a girl, it has been really emotional. I had to talk myself out of walking out of the store while shopping because a part of me felt like I was setting myself up for failure. Buying clothes for this baby, when anything could still happen. Joe helped me see that we should enjoy it while we can and deal with that later, if that becomes the case.

I had a friend mention to me a little while ago that I seem more effected by our miscarriage then anyone else she's met who's dealt with one. I told Joe about this. He said that it's not that I'm more effected by our lost, it's just that I'm more open with my feeling and emotions on what happened. Many women out there don't talk about the loss of a child. They tuck it away, possibly to protect themselves from the pain that they feel. I don't think women should feel bad to talk about their loss. It should be embraced. It's hard and painful and scary. With the help of others, we can get through the grieving process. A couple months back I went in to see the doc for something and I was talking to the receptionist. She had pictures of these little boys on her cubby wall. I commented how cute they are. One thing led to another and she told me how her baby had recently passed away, SIDS, I believe. I told her I was so sorry, that we had just lost our baby in the second trimester of pregnancy. She said something very interesting to me. She said, I'm not sure what's worse, losing a child after they are born or lossing a child you never got to hold and make any memories with. I've always thought about that. I wish we could have had even a few moments with our babies so that I could fill in the blanks that my mind can't seem to grasp. What would they look like, who would they look like. Their smile, grimace. cry, grunts. Anything to hold onto in my memory to feel like I knew them a little better. It's strange to believe I'm their mother and yet I'll have to wait to know those things. Whatever time we are give with our children is a blessing. No matter if it's carrying them only in our wombs for a time or carrying them in our arms, we will forever carry them in our hearts. 

**More pictures from the party to come when my mom gets me her SD card (hint hint, mom)   :)